ramble ramble

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:13:07 GMT

sometimes it seems a little un-natural that everyone i know seems to be getting married, or having children.
everyone has a significant other. everyone has one of those things.

and it makes me think "whats wrong with me?" why don't i have those things...

and even though i'm halfway around the world, living and enjoying my life, doing things that the above mentioned cannot do, it still makes me a little sad.

where did i go wrong?
but at the same time....fuck it.

maybe i should just completely shut myself off from america.

update

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 04:08:03 GMT

things i've been doing..

-reading lots of books
-preparing for a road trip to texas, which begins tomorrow.
i'm kind of in the dark about it, and it's driving me insane
-i bought a new laptop, that i don't know how to use.
technology and myself are not friends
-getting ready to move to korea in a few weeks. i'm scared/excited.

the end

eh...it's christmas

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 20:15:12 GMT

i've always tried to live by the phrase of don't let contentment be confused for happiness.
well, karma truly is a bitch and contentment just bit me on the ass...

it's christmas.
i just lost my job.
i can't afford my bills.
i can't seem to find another one...

all of the job opportunities that came my way this past year
that i turned down because i was CONTENT! where i was..
which was..being able to pay the bills, have a flexible schedule which allowed for fun..
and now..well, i just feel like an idiot.

i've been applying to jobs like crazy..
real jobs, you know the 9-5 ones
and i also applied for a server job here in town due to an ad in the paper
i just need to do something to make some money..

i'm trying to gather things that i can sell/melt/pawn for cash
to make up the $400 i need by the 19th.
my family is being completely awesome and paying one of my
big bills for me but told me that theres no way they could pay
their bills and mine..
which i would not expect them to.

---

in other news,
i met someone.
someone kind of cool.
good head on his shoulders,
smart, ambitious...
and lives an hour away..

and i've discovered a love for drag shows.
$2 to get in, drinks are not completely necessary
especially not for a $4 bottle of beer..
but the queens are fabulous!
and i've truly enjoyed myself there..

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:51:16 GMT

hello all.
in an attempt to figure out my life,
i applied for a teaching job in China.

CHINA!!

and they emailed me back today with a few
questions, well two actually.

it's taking me forever to answer them because
i want it to be perfect.

so here are the questions..
how would YOU answer them...about yourselves.
i don't feel comfortable talking about myself like that
although i need to get over it and get this dang job!

1) What is it that interests you about moving overseas to take on a teaching position?

2) What skills do you possess that will help you effectively motivate both primary and secondary school students?

I need to do laundry, smoke a lot of cigarettes and just think...

CHINA!!

by the way, i'm totally excited about this..

----

EDIT!

i sent my answers, and I think that their pretty awesome.

anger.

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:42:35 GMT

i had something i wanted to write but instead i'm arguing with my father about..
whether people are black, african american, or N******.

you get the point. why is that EVEN relevent. he keeps referring to them as "blacks".

why? i don't understand why he cares so much.

if i wanted to be called honky it's my perogative...

that is totally not what i wanted to talk about though...

WHY! does that piss me off so much?

----

something else that pisses me off!

how come every goddamn time that i log into facebook/myspace i see pictures of
girls in their goddamned wedding dresses.

why are these girls married? why did they want to get married?

am i bitter because i'm single or because i have a little more common sense.

ps. i am bitter because i'm single. i feel like i'm the last single person out there.
even people i know, are married and say they didn't even like the idea, it just seemed
like the right thing to do...

do i have a sign on my head that says "undateable, please do not pursue?"

why am i waiting tables and not actively pursuing a "real" job.

why am i convincing myself that a "real" job is what i need right now.

why am i not trying to fulfill my list of goals, and instead sitting on my ass complaining
about how fucking bored i am.

i thought this summer was going to be fucking great, and it still has fucking potential
but GODDAMN!! i am fucking fed up.

mostly with myself.

i've grown CONTENT! the worst of all sins (if you believe in such a thing...of course
conversation for later)..

why am i so angry/bitter/cynical/horrible...

--

sorry, i should probably call it a night.

Sun, 25 May 2008 14:19:31 GMT

i'm flying to boston today
nates meeting me at the airport
or outside of boston

whichever is more convenient

we're headed to cape cod and
then i'll hopefully be able to go to
maine for a few days.

i've never been to that area of the
states, save for NYC but that doesn't
count.

i want to see the coast and wear sweaters.

see you next week.

imagine if you will...

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:33:42 GMT

what it would be like to fuck this guy..
i mean...ugh. this is so disgusting..

how did he get his panties on?
his breasts are huge.
i'm asking this question but realize
that he probably spends 24 hours working
out and doesn't have time for sex.

what would you hold on to?
so gross.

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:37:47 GMT

i have an interview soon.
their calling to set up times on the 8th.
meaning, there are several people
applying for the position.

the one where i have zero experience
with. and a horrible job market means
that i probably don't stand a chance.

regardless.
it is not in atlanta like i hoped that it
would be, but i'm chalking it all up
to experience.

perhaps soon, the state will be
issuing me a gun. i might be a
parole officer.

cross your fingers kids!!
i need a REAL job. i can't pay my bills!

happy fucking v-day

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:52:49 GMT

FUCK VALENTINES DAY!!
AND PEOPLE WHO ARE RUDE
(I.E. NURSES WHO AREN'T EVEN
THE ONES PAYING FOR THEIR
FUCKING LUNCHES!! FUCK BEING
'IN THE WEEDS' AND RUNNING
YOUR ASS OFF FOR FUCKING
BREADSTICKS AND SALAD ALL
FOR GODDAMNED NOTHING!

also: there is a guy that i work with who looks like Mr. Ashley Anderson
and he was nice to me. In fact, all of the people that I work with are nice
it's just these fucking GODDAMNED ROME GEORGIA FUCKING
CUSTOMERS.

life

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:49:55 GMT

work wise.
things i never thought that i'd be doing..i'm doing.
things i thought i would be doing seem impossible.

so far for 2008..

prek teacher
server

testing for parole officer thursday.
but i kind of like serving.
it's nice having cash in your pocket

crazy.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:14:22 GMT

the future is so uncertain!

i want to move to atlanta
i want to be a parole officer
i want to join the peace corps
i want to be in a motorcycle gang and travel the US

what do i do?!

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 21:44:10 GMT

it's snowing!
it never snows here!

doubt it'll stick but still
i've been outside playing in it with george

i'm so excited about this.
hope we get more.
i can just imagine everyone
running to the store right now
grabbing ALL of the milk, beer,
and bread

people freak out here like that.
schools will probably be cancelled
tommorrow. ridiculous.

but still!! SNOW!!!

my ode to kids stop...

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 21:29:35 GMT

cause i'm about to start drawing...

that YOU are now...

for me to have..

which means that i get to..

--

i hope i hear from the parole testing soon.
this whole staying home thing is boring.
this couldn't have come at a worse time..
damn writers strike..theres nothing on TV!

new glasses, new year

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 23:30:55 GMT

2007 was the worst year of my life,
well it ranked in the top two; see also: 2003

usually i made resolutions as a joke and this
year i didn't make a silly one like

1. stop smoking
2. stop gaining weight
3. eat healthier

instead my simple new years resolution was to
make 2008 as fantastic as possible. i know i have
it in me.

--

never one to take church signs seriously, there is one
church by my house that i always look forward to seeing
what their sign has to say and one of them stuck with me

'most people are about as happy as they make up their
minds to be'

it sounds crazy enough to just maybe work.
i think i'll give it a try.

my happiness and my sanity rely on me getting OUT of
ROME! i have to and i'm working on it. maybe in a few
months.

christmas

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 00:23:29 GMT

we opened gifts tonight with the family due to work schedules and whatnot.
got some pretty neat stuff. at the top of this list is probably the free vacation.
well, kind of.

my parents are letting me go wherever i want to for vacation (in the US) and
all i have to do is cover my flight and money when i get there. not too bad of a
deal.

regardless, i have already chosen my destination. all of the places that i wanted
to go to would be places that would be better if it were a bit chilly and chances are
i will be taking this vacation in the summer months. i really wanted to go to a city
and most of the places to choose from were more family oriented.

that said.
i'm going to san diego.
alone.
in may.
happy 24th birthday to me.
i will be leaving a few days after school gets out
assuming i still have that job.

regardless.
i'm taking a grown up vacation alone.
just the way i want it.

i'm totally excited about this.

last night i had a really disconcerting dream involving...

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 18:29:12 GMT

jane fonda and a girl i went to high school with who was really nice.

so somehow or another i find out that jane fonda is running a concentration camp for americans
i was riding my bicycle around this really nice downtown when i find out the news, apparently at
whatever costs i needed to avoid this one area. that is when i noticed cori c. following me
around on her bike. i decided to make a run for it, making random turn after random turn, and going
up these really strenuous hills. i finally see a little parking lot off to the left and decide to pull over and
hide. for some reason cori kept following me so i'm running around these cars. finally she sees me
and i have to give up.

she walks me to a bus that is covered in razor wire and we wait for it to fill up. finally, we are on our
way. i began seeing rows upon rows of razor wire outside the window (apparently we had turned into
the concentration camp driveway) and i remember seeing little bunk houses everywhere and guard
shacks. we get out and it's a blur after that..BUT i do remember some of us wanting to go and get some
food so they took us to this place that looked like McDonalds but no one was working there. After standing
around for a few minutes some guy came over a loud speaker and told us that if we wanted food we
had to go make it ourselves. We started to go to the back and opened a door that led to a hallway full of
people who were also apparently waiting for food. Through glass windows we could see a large office
where everyone was very jovial and had purple and blue phones that they kept playing with.

Back at the bunkhouse there were just rows upon rows of bunkbeds. The same guy came over the loudspeaker
and told everyone to get undressed and stand beside their bunks that we were all going to come and get searched.
by undressed that meant (nekkid). For some reason this one guy got undressed but left on this boxers and tied
his shirt into something like a halter top. He got in trouble for it.

Details Hazy but I do remember being released after a weekend because apparently jane fonda only locks
people up for weekends at a time.

this is perhaps the strangest dream i've ever had.

the significance of boxes

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 02:54:31 GMT

sometimes life hands you a lemon and as the wise man says, you should probably make some lemonade.

that is a choice. sometimes you want something a little more spicy, perhaps you'd enjoy a bit of lemon in your hot toddy. or perhaps, you would like to have a panic attack.

the choice is yours to make. sometimes these choices are out of our control. sometimes you simply need to have a panic attack. i think that it helps to put things into perspective. just a bit.

as for the box reference. sometimes you simply need a little pick me up, perhaps someone made lemonade for you. truly kind. and those moments are the ones that you choose to remember. you don't want to remember having a panic attack because those moments are the ones that keep you feeling down. you choose to remember the moments where someone reached out their hand, or their arms, or as bougsois would say their big dick. whichever you prefer those moments you keep stored. you hide them because they are your prized possessions that you have every right to be selfish about.

well as you may have guessed, i had one of those today. and that is really all i wanted to say. so, thanks. it's tucked away for me to pick up and remember from time to time when i don't feel like making lemonade for myself.

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 19:24:46 GMT

just bought my Hank III ticket.
i finally get to see him live, with all of my friends.

next weekend will be another long one.
thursday go to atlanta for said concert.
get up early and go play with hellacious 4 year olds.
then after work leave to go to helen with
ram sam sam's family for a fishing trip.

i tell myself i want to save money but then
i manage to disappear every weekend.

also..i'm looking for a job in atlanta. any tips
or heads up would be appreciated.

thanks!

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 18:17:44 GMT

i feel like i'm going insane
getting steady paychecks makes me feel better
but now having real bills, that i've never had before
makes me feel really poor.

i've never been money hungry and now i feel
like i can't have enough. i'm looking for a new
job, either part time to go to after real work
or another full time job.

just to have money, which i don't really need.

maybe i'm just having a premonition about the
upcoming apocolypse/bird flu/whatever other
reason why you might need money situation.

i feel greedy and dirty.
regardless, off to a bachlorette party where
we will get drunk and watch porn.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 23:39:16 GMT

i miss college which is pointless seeing as how it wouldn't be the same anyway.
i'll be back in statesboro this weekend.

this weekend was crazy and more than i expected.
fun was had which is what i needed.
perhaps i should start drinking in the morning more often.

also, atl people,
www.atlantahorrorfest.com
check it out.

what a weekend..

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 21:13:58 GMT

my weekend started out pretty normal.
had a horrible day at work and went to visit
kristen since the lawyer leaves the office on
fridays.

decided to go to kennesaw to go out.
went to one place, met 2 guys who worked
for budweiser and had the capability of not
having to pay for beer. of course one struck
a fancy to kristen and the other started chatting
up middle aged ladies. not that i minded, but
i was bored. the yankees were on tv and they
won. that was about the highlight of that.

went to another place, a little spot where
black guys go to pick up white girls. not that
i have a problem with any of that, it was just
different from anything i'd ever seen.

kristen made me dance. it was really embarrassing.
got home around 3, stayed up and read for a bit.
woke up today to screaming, i'd stayed in bed late
it's my fucking weekend, i want to sleep.

papa had a mild heart attack, we think.
had to go to animal control to see if our cat was
there and left in tears because there are these
THREE precious black kittens that were so
friendly and i wanted them.
then got home to paul, my other "grandfather"
calling on the phone to ask me to log on
to ebay to bid on something he had up there
to drive up the price so that hopefully other people
would bid higher.

he also said that he was coming into town tuesday.
he never asks if he can stay at the house, he just
kind of expects it to be open, even after he abandoned
my father and turned his backs on us until i was 21.

oh, weekend. you never fail to dissapoint.

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 00:49:35 GMT

it's been a while. figured i would share with the world my latest musings.

work..i love my job but i don't know if i'm any good at it.
today i was 30 minutes late and we left a kid on the playground
another teacher found him crying. i felt absolutely horrible.

i feel like this new phone is the curse of me. since i got it
it has rarely rung and i can't get up in the mornings. i realize
that this is ridiculous.

i'm growing restless in this little town i call home. so ive
been thinking of things that i need to do..and here they are.

-i need to go on a date. as much as i would like to meet someone
i'm not looking for a reason to stay. i just want someone to take me
out to dinner and have polite conversation.
-i ned new people to hang out with. i've begun meeting people but
i always feel awkward like i'm in the way and, well i just hate the act
of getting to know people, i wish they were my friends already.
-i need a VACATION!

speaking of, i'm headed to statesboro the 28th. we get a fall break
and i'm taking it and running. i love when the weekend arrives but
i never do anything on the weekends that is fun besides sleep and
then it all starts over again.

fuck the 40 hour work week.

hope life is treating everyone grand.

-kf

oh, monday. i want a pizza.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 21:05:09 GMT

it's monday.
i'm already looking forward to friday.
this will be a slow week.

friday one of my kids called
me a fucker and also told me
that he has super powers and
is more powerful than me.

today he told me to shut up
about 10 times and flipped
a desk over.

we're not allowed to discipline
the kids OR tell their parents
anything about their behavior
unless they ask...

these parents will never ask.
and the ones that have their
kids have straightened up.

-----

we're the only school like this
everyone else sends notes
home daily.

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 00:11:01 GMT

i love my job.
i've spent the last 2 days in atlanta
doing pre-k training.

annoying girl in the back seat.
large black woman in the back
seat. we're going to go play bingo soon.

going to red lobster with lesbians
on tuesday.

see..i'm meeting people.

--

i saw my first meth deal go down
yesterday.

--

i want to go back to school and get
certified to teach.

life works in mysterious ways i guess.

criss-cross applesauce

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 21:08:30 GMT

there is a new kid in my school.
she kicks, fights, and cusses.

naturally, she was put into my class.
the boss told me that all of the bad kids
were in my class for a reason.

not sure what that reason is.
today they were alot better. i made each
of them a square on the floor to sit on
and they seem to like having their
"own" place to sit.

who would have ever thought that i
would be teaching 4 year olds.

it's kind of fun.